Sacramento – Missed Connections Critic (2024)

July 26, 2011

By aborgia

Hardcore or Psyco Girl, Mohawk, gold Dodge Intrepid – m4w – 31 (Walnut and El Camino)

You knocked my socks off. You were gettin smokes.

Maybe even if your lesbo let’s hang out, all my real friends are either dead or moved away.

Shy femmy guy scared to say Hi today, feeling passive depressive but the day is early.

twentyfriendly and I’m down since I was a kid, I have trees if you wanna get lifted

Probability: 3

Don’t you sound like the life of the party. I’m sure any woman would love to be with a horribly, horribly lonely man such as yourself. You probably deserve your own entry in the DSM-5.

Poetic Nature: 3

I’m beginning to see why you don’t have any friends.

Creepiness: 5

It’s not overtly awful. However, would you really want this guy looking for you? I rest my case.

***

my darling Zach Galifianakis look-alike! – w4m – 33 (A & P Liquor Store)

met you last friday! do you remember me?

remember what i said i’d do to zach galifianakis?

you be him, and i’ll be your groupie!

you seemed to be really funny just like him! you actually have a hotter body anyway.

i couldn’t tell if you were turned on by what i said, or if you were repulsed.

but if you were turned on and curious, send me a message and let’s get together.

tell me what joke we talked about so i know it’s you and not some faker.

Probability: 1

This just a guess, but I think I’ll go with “repulsed” over “turned on.” Just a guess.

Poetic Nature: 2

Are you sure you’re 33? For the sake of your brain cells, I hope not.

Creepiness: 8

I’m sure even the real Zach Galifianakis wants to be far, far away from you after reading this.

***

I didn’t intend for this to become a themed post, but in the end, I realized a definite trend of sad/awful/creepy desperation. But don’t worry! I’ve saved the most pathetic for last:

Why Don’t I Have any Missed Connections? – m4w – 38 (Sacramento)

Everywhere I go, I scan my surroundings and wonder if someone is secretly plotting a CL missed connection post for me. “We locked eyes briefly at the CVS as you were picking out those hemorrhoid ointments. You smiled at me so innocently. If this is you tell me what I was wearing”

Nothing.

I drive down the interstate and look in all the cars and then come home to check CL to see if anyone missed a connection with the “Sexy blonde guy in the Toyota going towards the Sac International Airport on I-5, you eyeballed me and picked your nose. I want you to take me out.”

Still nothing.

I get up every day, shower, get dressed and go out just so someone can miss a connection and look for me on CL.

Don’t approach me in public. I’m waiting for you here.

July 15, 2011

By aborgia

Sometimes I find so many good posts I don’t have room to feature all of them. Thus, I present for your enjoyment a selection of posts fromSacramentoand Miami:

Boca Teeca Exhibitionist – m4w – 48 (Boca)

I love to show off on my balcony and be watched while walking around naked.
Had a few viewers yesterday down by the pool. Young blonde and brunette
friend. Seems you enjoyed the view. Would love to show more and
have some fun with it. Any other female voyeurs in Boca Teeca feel
free to write, see if we can set something up if you like to watch.
I’m an older guy, not perfect but nice co*ck and love to be watched.

Probability: 3

Yes, in alllikelihood, perhaps they did enjoy watching a hairy older man going full Monty on his balcony. However, you should also consider these additional options: 1) They found it more amusing than sexy and 2) they were just watching long enough so they could give an accurate account to a Miami PD sketch artist.

Poetic Nature: 2

He’s better at showing off the goods than employing the “show don’t tell” technique.

Creepiness: 9

Even if your penis is as cool as you claim it is, voyeurism has an age limit.

***

Prisoner Seeking Email Pals – m4w – 23

I am writing on the behalf of my buddy who is in prison. He is seeking someone to be his pen pal while he does the last 4 years of his sentence. Reply if you would like an email pen pal. He is very articulate and educated.

Probability: 1

Oh wow! He’s in prison but he can write well. I totally want him to know my address.

Poetic Nature: 4

There are a lot of details missing here. For example, what did this guy do to deserve a 4+ year sentence?

Creepiness: 7

I think it’s because he’s “articulate and educated” that makes this guy extra scary.

***

I tried to figure out what was going on in this last one, but it just hurt my brain. Have a good weekend, and feel free to post comments/ratings/other strange missed connections!

Chicken? – w4m (my head)

Yes I am!!! You are the cause of and cure for my anxiety ~ so you bet I will pretend like it’s just another day, besides the obvious reason. Most of all, I don’t know if you even read these (!) and I am the ultimate wishful dreamer so I am slowly going batsh*t insane…I’m also feeling that, if you even read these and know it’s me, I don’t know how you could possibly wish to invite any more of this unspoken drama into a life that is already, I’m sure, full of beautiful and exotic flowers. As for myself, I want my sanity back (such as it was)…but if it helps, I renamed my vibrator some time ago. 😉